Rules for THINspiration and FITuation
Yesterday, I wanted to pull out my hair. I shouldn’t have given up my stash of diet pills and laxatives (not all THANK GOD) to my LCP. I know that I wasn’t ready, and really, it’s not what I wanted. My SO tried to make me eat, but I showed him. I ate the half-banana (36) and then peeled my clementine slowly. As I popped one slice after another into my mouth–at a snail’s pace–I thought to myself:
On and on until the ten slices (35) were gone. My biggest challenge was the peanut butter toast that he made me have. So, I put that aside t eat my scrambled egg white (17), mixed veggies (15), and 1/4 oz cheese (21). Gross. I’m so fucking gross. I wanted to throw up, but I couldn’t here at home. Probably could have gone downstairs though. Fat, weak cunt bitch. I procrastinated on the toast, eating only the crusts (9) which I purposely spread the peanut butter (16) thinnest. When he got bored of how long I was taking and left the room, I stuffed the rest deep in the trash can and then took it outside.
After washing my yogurt down the sink this morning, I’m feeling pretty guilty, but so, so in control. I really want to stop, but I just can’t… With dinner, my total intake for the day was under 500, so I’m not too upset. Nearly binged last night, though. My SO is making ice cream (homemade) and I had obsessive dreams about it and nearly got up to have some. I punished myself with 100 sit-ups this morning.
Today, I’ve done about the same thing. Washed another yogurt down the drain, no fruit, and eating less than half of what my allowed serving sizes would be. I’m sitting about 200 consumed now. Plenty of room for a generous dinner. I have to appease SO somehow, even if it makes me die inside. I’ll get up early to make up for it.
Anyway, this post was about rules. My rules. Mine. I can’t break them recently. I have so much guilt if I try to even meet some of these. All of these just swirl constantly around my head each day:
Weigh each week day; never accept an up weigh-in
No fastfood stays down
Fast on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday
Monday – Friday, while at work, Discretion applies
On weekends, only two to three meals allowed. Discretion applies
When eating a meal at home, strive for as little as possible, but no more than 3 oz protein, 1 cup veggies, 1 serving grains, 1 serving dairy
No snacks. Ever. Chew gum.
Desserts of ANY KIND must be equally and compensated for
No drinks with calories outside of allowed times – absolutely NO FATS in drinks
When in doubt, get it out!
Mind Over Matter
I Won’t Get Fatter
- If not fasting during the week, only allowed foods stay down: fruits, vegetables, <1 cup fat-free drinks under 100 calories, <1 oz nuts or other protein, and fat free condiments (mustard is a must).
- If not fasting on a weekend, follow the rule for eating a meal at home
- Wednesdays and weekends, one binge allowed
- Must purge forbidden foods, binges, and restricted binge food
- If bingeing on allowed foods, no more than 200 calories stay down.
- To satisfy cravings (and if not fasting), chew and spit is allowed.
- Small bites.
- No, smaller bites.
- Consume foods in order of their safety (caloric content)
- Drink water or diet soda between all bites. Twice as much if bingeing.
- Smallest portions possible
- Exercise based on consumption
I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos of my world
And I am pure now.
Nothing matters when I’m thin.
An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.
A pang of hunger, a pound the world around.
Every supposed pleasure in sin will furnish more than its equivalent of pain.
Food is a hindrance to my progress.
Don’t do anything today that you’ll regret tomorrow.
Like a plant, surely, the body can be trained to exist on nothing, to take it’s nourishment from the air.
If I’ve gained, I starve for the rest of the day. But if I’ve lost, I starve too.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
To be thin, no price is too high.
I’m not starving myself. I’m perfecting my emptiness.
Whatever you do, resist the temptation.
Nothing is so bad that denial and fasting won’t cure.
Recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body, and a life ever-fasting
Lose everything and what is real will still remain
Dying to be Thin